


Make This Go On Forever

by shewhoisntnamed44



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, based on that awesome album tho, bluensey, mayybbbeee sarchengsy I haven't decided yet, pynch - Freeform, was Cleopatra but I'm v indecisive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 10:22:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14830464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shewhoisntnamed44/pseuds/shewhoisntnamed44
Summary: Everyday, Henrietta reminds him of the things he's lost. Everyday it bites into his skin deeper than it did the day before.Gansey, Adam, Blue and even Henry, they all notice. And they help as much as a person can possibly help someone else, but it isn't enough.So he does the only thing he can think of. Once the idea forms, it blossoms inside him. A burning fire which might consume him until he doesn't do what it says.He leaves. He takes his car keys, a bag filled with clothes and his credit card.He leaves a note on Gansey's desk.'I'm sorry.', it reads,'Don't look for me. -R'





	Make This Go On Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Title's based on the song by Snow Patrol.  
> Opal does not exist in this narrative.

_Prologue_

_"Cause if we don't leave this town_  
 _We might never make it out_  
 _I was not born to drown, baby come on."_  

_-Sleep on the Floor, The Lumineers._

Seconds pass like minutes. Minutes pass like hours.  
Time is a slow moving species.

Or maybe he just appreciates it more, sees through the fine mesh time has woven of the past few hours. Seeing Gansey take a ragged breath. Seeing Blue crumpling over his body. Seeing Henry press his hands deep into his eyes. Seeing Ronan sit down next to Gansey, hands reaching out to touch his friend's. Feeling the relief which flowed into his veins like a drug, like a tap which had been opened, when he saw the life enter Gansey's eyes.

He shuts his own, trying to block the pressure building up behind them.

Alive alive alive.

That's all Adam feels.

Somehow, after broken cars and skulls and lost, sleeping kings and lost, sleeping friends, it is enough.

The ride back to Monmouth is quiet.  
Words are useless when your friend's just conquered death.

* * *

 

Henry leaves before he can enter Monmouth. Somehow, it feels like an intrusion.  
Gansey is polite enough to argue, but Henry declines.  
There isn't enough place even in Monmouth, to fit so much life, not right now.  
Instead he starts walking, he doesn't know where, but he'll figure it out. Tomorrow is a surety, a promise, one which he will be here for.

* * *

 

Gansey opens the door, and the sense of familiarity which runs through his blood is enough to make his hands tremble. He thought he'd never see this place again.

Ronan takes a deep breath, offers a bullet of a smile to all of them and walks to their bathroom, shutting the door behind him.  
Someone would've followed him if it wasn't for the quiet click of the door lock sliding into place.

Some part of Adam's brain registers this, but the rest of him is screaming at him to rest. His face throbs from where his own hands hurt him. His heart throbs remembering his hands wrapped around Ronan's neck. 

"What now?", Blue asks.  
"A future.", Gansey replies, looking at her.

Adam goes into Ronan's room and collapses on the bed, tired tired tired.  
He shuts his eyes and lets everything disappear.

* * *

 

Ronan feels empty, raw and scratched. He sits down on the floor of the bathrooom, Aurora's body, or what was left of it, leaving imprints on his mind.

_How does a child get over the death of a parent? How does a child get over the death of both his parents?_

He almost lost Gansey, he didn't know what he would've, could have done if Gansey had actually died.

Ronan Lynch has seen, felt too much grief. He has lived through it, or atleast tried to.  
He remembers one night, a few months after Niall had died. Gansey and him, alone on the roof of the BMW, Ronan with a beer in his hand and Gansey with words in his.  
_"Grief",_ Gansey had said, as if wisdom was etched in his skin, _"I believe, is what makes you stronger."_ He had flinched not even a second later, realising what he'd said.  
"Say that when your fucking father is beaten to death with a tire iron.", Ronan had replied with a snarl.

* * *

 

Grief is a feral, primal, living thing. It wrecks you from the inside. Grief doesn't strengthen you. It weakens you at its leisure.  
Maybe while you're driving a car on an empty street, helplessly alone with your father's smile.  
Maybe while you watch your friend lose his hearing or while you watch a friend die.  
Maybe while you sit alone on the floor of your bathroom, alone although a room full of people sit outside who love you.  
Always always alone.  
Grief, Ronan thinks, was more human than any of the fucking monsters which resided in his brain. It was perhaps, one of the worst.

He feels like a broken man, and maybe he is one.

* * *

 

Blue knew she'd have to watch Gansey die. But she never thought she would be able to lie next to him on the couch of his living room few hours after that, face buried in his neck as tears quietly slip from her eyes.  
"I'm alive.", he says. And she clutches his awful, awful polo shirt tighter, cos she's never letting him go again.

* * *

 

Ronan gets off the floor, the same fire which encourages him to press the accelerator just a little harder igniting his bones.  
There's something unsettling, itching under his skin. Something wanting to break out. A sense of wrongness.  
He washes his hands and face in the sink, trying to wash away everything that's ever happened. It doesn't work.  
He leaves the bathroom, sees Blue and Gansey curled up on the couch. 

He walks into his room and sees Adam asleep.  
Adam.  
His heart curls. He wants to stop. Just stop time and life and everything which can be stopped just to live in this moment. This moment in which walking into his bedroom and seeing Adam Parrish asleep in it is not unusual. He wants it to be a regular occurrence.

He blinks. The moment is shattered glass, splinters in every part of him.  
The sense of wrongness persists. He's alone again.

* * *

 

Blue sees Ronan stand at the door of his room for atleast five whole minutes. Sees how his body seems to stiffen and loosen with every breath.  
She doesn't say anything, this isn't her moment. Not right now.  
Ronan shuts the door behind him.

* * *

 

Ronan dreams. He dreams of blackness and stars and light. He dreams of death and life.He dreams of his mother's crushed body and his father's eyes, blinking, blinking, blinking. 

When he wakes up, Adam's Parrish's fingers are fitted in his. This dream is his favourite.

* * *

 

A week passes. Two weeks pass. Time is still a blur, a snail.  
Gansey is still trying to act like he didn't die. Adam is back at his multitude of jobs.  
Blue's back to being a waitress at Nino's.  
Henry comes and goes out of Monmouth as often as Ronan, if not more. He's not filling the gap which Noah left in their group of five, he's making one for himself.  
Ronan Lynch is still pretending. Pretending he's trying, cos nothing else is working.

Sometimes, he feels himself going silent, like a light bulb shutting down.  
Ronan is often found at St. Agnes during the night. It houses most of his reasons.

Nights when he can't sleep, when his demons chase him out of Adam's bed, he drives.  
The open road, the wind blowing through his ears, the nothingness is the only thing which helps him.

He is alive with the memory of his father, on those nights.  
Niall Lynch, who stroked his hair and wiped his tears when he was six and had scraped his knee while riding a bike.  
Niall Lynch, who danced with his mother in their living room, without any music.  
But he also remembers the father who hadn't seen Aurora's face crumple when he called to tell her he wouldn't be returning home for two more weeks.  
The father who never paid much attention to his eldest son, even when Declan orbitted around him like he was the centre of the goddamn universe.

His father was a rose plant, beautiful from afar, red and blooming. Up close, the thorns pricked.

For Ronan, his father's death is a scab he purposefully picks every day, wanting to see it bleed just so he can forget how he got it.

His mother also scratches the walls of his mind on those nights. Her smile, her love. All of it. Every piece of her being is stark and clear.

_How does one get over the death of both his parents? There's only one answer- he does not._

"Do what you have to, Ronan."  
And suddenly, astonishingly Noah Czerny is sitting in his back seat.  
Overwhelming joy at seeing his friend once more and boiling rage against the rest of the world blinds him for a second.

"How?", he asks roughly.

"Only you have the answer to that."  
And Noah's gone.

* * *

 

He still doesn't know what to do. He showers and eats and smiles like war when he can and he pretends and he pretends and he pretends.

Everyday, Henrietta reminds him of the things he's lost. Everyday it bites into his skin deeper than it did the day before.  
Gansey, Adam, Blue and even Henry, they all notice. And they help as much as a person can possibly help someone else, but it isn't enough.

So he does the only thing he can think of. Once the idea forms, it blossoms inside him. A burning fire which might consume him until he doesn't do what it says.  
He leaves. He takes his car keys, a bag filled with clothes and his credit card.

He leaves a note on Gansey's desk. 

 _'I'm sorry.',_ it reads, _'Don't look for me. -R'_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm v v excited for this! I feel like I write Ronan the way I think I should write for Adam but idk man. Anyways, I've had this idea for a very long time and I really hope you've liked this.  
> Hmu on tumblr @humongousvoidbear.


End file.
